I wonder about him. Not the ex, but my old boyfriend.

Committment. What is the deal? I did something bad a while ago. I left him because I wanted more of his time. Turns out, I left him for someone who wasn't worth my time. Then what did I do? I went and married a West African who also wasn't worth my time, but HE made me feel as though I was not worth HIS time. Well...the past is the past, he acquired his green card and I haven't seen him since. Good riddance!!! It took a while for me to get over, but it turned out for the best. He did me a HUGE favor. I Thank JAH each and everyday for the blessings that I have. I have a wonderful daughter, I have a loving mother who he's given me the opportunity to be the best of friends with and I still have my health. Praise JAH!!

Now back to the committment thing. My man of eight years, yes eight years...he has been my boyfriend for so many years and I was still seeing him while I was married. Sounds bad right? Well...It was for a reason. When I got married the the West African, we didn't live together. Sounds like trouble from the start right? Well it was. He said that he couldn't afford a place. I definitely could not afford one on my salary, so I just waited and tried to save money, but it didn't look like he was saving any of his. I should have known that he was never really planning to stay the long haul with me. I just stayed in denial. My mom told me about this brotha'...She said..."be careful...I don't trust that n****!!!" I kept saying that she was wrong about him while I was still living in her house. She was right all along.

Anyway, how can I expect the real love of my life to trust me anymore when I left him twice? Let's get to why I left him in the first place. He never seemed to really want to committ. In the past, whenever I'd bring up the subject of US and the future...there was always some story. After all of these years and changes we've been through...still the same s**t!! There is so much more to this dilema, I just can't put it ALL down. It's complicated and so is my old boyfriend.

I'm not a floosy...I'm just woozy and exhausted from my thoughts, my job, my bad career choices, my classes, too many bosses at the job...everyday shish!!! Now I'm just writing about shish that makes no sense at all. Let me just close this.

Wait...Can you relate? Have you ever loved and cried so hard it felt like you couldn't breathe? I can't cry over brotha's any more. I can't. I think it's a good thing because that shit will make you crazy. Love and it's tribulations will make you a crazy ass and crazy doesn't live with me anymore. Good night and Jah Bless!!

Happy New Year!!

Time for so many changes. I want to free myself from this job because basically there is no chance for promotion; unless you are an a**hole with something (nothing really) to prove, or an a** kisser. In explanation from newly promoted individuals, they fit the above profile. When upper-management fit the same characteristics, the cycle continues to repeat itself, and can you say FAVORITISM?

I will be applying for a divorce this year; just waiting to file my income taxes so that I can pay a lawyer. I want to erase that SANGARE from my life. So weird how I have to do that, seeing as how I never really KNEW my husband the way that a wife is supposed to know her husband. I still think of him from time to time, but I've finally gotten over him, realizing that he never loved me to begin with. I am now OKAY with that fact.

more pictures of ancestors of the middle passage celebration

I thought that I'd put up some more pics of that celebration because it's better to put up more interesting things than it is to continuously put up sad 'shish' about the ex-husband. Also, I forgot to mention that we at the beach were honored to be blessed by Sister Carol's presence. She said a few words about love, black people and love, 'educatin' the youth dem' about dere culcha', and well you know... 'RastafarI' was thrown in her poetry, of course. She is one of the greatest!! One Love.

Meadger Evers College and the 18th annual Ancestors of the Middle passage tribute/memorial/celebration

I just happened to come across this affair last year when I went to Coney Island with my daughter as we do every summer. I made it a point to attend this year, so it definitely wasn't an accident! I think that it is a wonderful tribute to the African Ancestors who jumped off of slaves ships to avoid slavery when they were forced out of their homelands. There is African dancing at this ceremony with lots of drum playing, lots of people with loced hair, lots of Yoruba and Santeria worshippers appear to attend as well. It is a wonderful event. It is a very significant part of history for African Americans to pay tribute to our ancestors. It is sad that it has been only eighteen years that this have been going on. Fortunately, they children that attend the event with their parents will be the next generation to keep the event going. One Love.

time to get over it, right? still tryin' to heal though

I still think about him everyday. I still wish that I could run into his best friend, Papa and ask him if he knew that Youssouf had planned to leave me from the beginning. He changed so suddenly. I was always a bit leary of his plans. I just didn't want to face the fact that this man who told me that we'd have a future together, this man who told me that I was his life; "you are my life", he used to say that looking straight into my eyes without blinking. I just don't understand why this is still so painful for me. I have cried my eyes out over this situation a countless number of times to the point where it became hard for me to breathe. I was crying like that when we were together because things never seemed right. He never took me out, only once in a blue moon. He took me out for my birthday once, for the entire three years that we were married. OK, OK...let me just sign out, I can't keep doing this to myself. It just feels good to write it down, just let it out, in a way.

Update

Does anybody read this stuff? I guess I don't have many interesting things going on right now. I'm back in school again. That may be a mistake. I just don't know about perserverance anymore. I'm tired, and that job has me so worn out. All I want to do when I get home is kick back. I still haven't gone to a day spa. I'd love to get a microdermabrasion facial, get my eyebrows threaded, and a total body massage. My neck is killing me!! I'm feeling better about the Youssouf situation. He called me a few week ago from a private number. A private number!! I don't know what he expected me to say to him. I told him go straight to hell!!

I don't need that headache anymore.

'Zup?

Still hurtin'. Although, I'm feeling a bit better. Time just has to keep moving on for the pain to disappear. It's cool though. He's gone, I guess he got his green card by now. I spoke to a lawyer who gave me a free consultation over the phone and he told me that my husband, well ex-husband has probably already filed for a divorce from me without my knowledge in perhaps, another state. I didn't know that someone could do that. Anyway, Thank you,
Youssouf Sangare. Thank you for reminding me that my life will be better w/o you and I hope that God will open your eyes to help you understand that it's not all about you. Remember this though, "What Goes Around, Comes Around". Jah Bless.