Committment. What is the deal? I did something bad a while ago. I left him because I wanted more of his time. Turns out, I left him for someone who wasn't worth my time. Then what did I do? I went and married a West African who also wasn't worth my time, but HE made me feel as though I was not worth HIS time. Well...the past is the past, he acquired his green card and I haven't seen him since. Good riddance!!! It took a while for me to get over, but it turned out for the best. He did me a HUGE favor. I Thank JAH each and everyday for the blessings that I have. I have a wonderful daughter, I have a loving mother who he's given me the opportunity to be the best of friends with and I still have my health. Praise JAH!!
Now back to the committment thing. My man of eight years, yes eight years...he has been my boyfriend for so many years and I was still seeing him while I was married. Sounds bad right? Well...It was for a reason. When I got married the the West African, we didn't live together. Sounds like trouble from the start right? Well it was. He said that he couldn't afford a place. I definitely could not afford one on my salary, so I just waited and tried to save money, but it didn't look like he was saving any of his. I should have known that he was never really planning to stay the long haul with me. I just stayed in denial. My mom told me about this brotha'...She said..."be careful...I don't trust that n****!!!" I kept saying that she was wrong about him while I was still living in her house. She was right all along.
Anyway, how can I expect the real love of my life to trust me anymore when I left him twice? Let's get to why I left him in the first place. He never seemed to really want to committ. In the past, whenever I'd bring up the subject of US and the future...there was always some story. After all of these years and changes we've been through...still the same s**t!! There is so much more to this dilema, I just can't put it ALL down. It's complicated and so is my old boyfriend.
I'm not a floosy...I'm just woozy and exhausted from my thoughts, my job, my bad career choices, my classes, too many bosses at the job...everyday shish!!! Now I'm just writing about shish that makes no sense at all. Let me just close this.
Wait...Can you relate? Have you ever loved and cried so hard it felt like you couldn't breathe? I can't cry over brotha's any more. I can't. I think it's a good thing because that shit will make you crazy. Love and it's tribulations will make you a crazy ass and crazy doesn't live with me anymore. Good night and Jah Bless!!
1 comment:
Are you kidding me? Of COURSE I have. I have cried until I thought I was dehydrated. I have cried and raged until I couldn't cry anymore. Love, or what we THOUGHT was love hurts. It hurts BAD.
People treat relationships like they are disposable. But the bottom line is that is all comes back down to you. You cannot change anything or anyone but YOU.
It is as my mother has always said: everything that looks good and tastes good is not always good for you. And sometimes I do believe that we get EXACTLY what we say we want just to show that it was not meant for us.
I feel you on the classes, job, career choices etc. It can make you tired from feeling that things are going the way you want them to...but it sounds like you need to slow down...quiet yourself and do some soul searching. Some serious introspection. I know that this is what is working for me. I had to narrow my focus from everything to just me and my manchild and make it work from there.
You will be ok. You are in a place of pain right now but you do not have to stay there. Try meditation or yoga to help clear yourself of negative thoughts, feelings and energy. You need to let go of what is keeping you where you are so that you can progress to where you want to be.
Blessings
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